The Gospel of Forthwave
Found taped to the noticeboard
Chapter One: The First Wave
1 In the beginning there was Folgers. 2 Our righteous red can of mediocrity. 3 Homage was given to lesser beings such as Hillsbrother, for it was good to the last dropeth, so sayeth we all. 4 Our cups did overfloweth with industrialized arabica whilst we celebrated the harvest of Saint Juan Valdez and his vassal donkey. 5 We called it coffee, and it was good, because we knew no better.
Chapter Two: The Second Wave
1 Generations passed. 2 Lo, the Angels of Caffeination looked down and wept, decrying their patrons' lack of faith in the extraction of actual taste from the sacred bean. 3 Upon counsel, it was decided the lowly worshipers required an uplifting, nay a revelation. 4 With the blowing of trumpets and the parting of clouds, they brought forth their holy son: Peet's Coffee & Tea. 5 And Peet's begat Starbucks, flag bearer of the Second Wave, flush with arabica beans holding on high the cherub Flavor.
6 Alas, enshittification did ensue. 7 Burnt grounds were swallowed whole by the sugary wrath of a reborn Beowulf: the Frappuccino. 8 “Hear me well, humans!” he roared from his BPA-laden abode. “For I am the chilled-essence-of-coffee-in-a-to-go-cup. Kneel before me, and suck upon my straw teat. Revel in my sugary goodness one venti at a time, or be banished to the land of Sanka.” 9 They gnashed their teeth and cowered before this newly marketed titan of greed and corn syrup, and verily exclaimed in unison: yes, it was good.
10 And. They. Were. Addicted.
Chapter Three: The Third Wave
1 Yet again, man tried to correct the mistakes of the past. 2 A Third Wave emerged, legitimized by tattoo-covered, skinny-jeaned baristas, awash in suggestive Square tipping screens defaulting to the Fibonaccian twenty percent. 3 And behold — a tide of sterile white cafés multiplied like locusts across the suburbs, awash in Mazzer grinders; these were the self-described saviors of beankind. 4 Customers wreathed their domes in headphones only to chastise those who had not foundeth said remote gigs such as they, the chosen bros and bro-gals. 5 And for some, the downtempo minimalism was not enough — nay! 6 A cornucopia of fresh goods was prepared daily as an offering to the Display Gods, whilst the wretched poor and hungry rummaged through the filth outside. 7 Overconsumption, I name you Avocado Toast!
8 And lo, the humans lost their ability to converse. 9 A shroud of darkness fell over what was once a thriving intellectual sanctuary rife with gossip, news, art, and revolution. 10 Shrill cries of anguish erupted from the graves of Viennese socialists; a lamentation of loss, a curse upon the MBAs and their demonic sacrifices to their capitalist patriarch More. 11 Hellbound pivot tables of greed, we rebuke you!
12 But o ye of recent IPOs! Bear witness to my gesha microlot! Identify with Our Story. Marvel at my floral light roast, and bow before the twice-daily dialed crema! 13 The masses embraced short reels and gastronomic selfies whilst sipping the sacrosanct 4 p.m. cappuccino. 14 The people then gathered online and said: this was good. 15 Five stars.
16 And yet a swan song of angelic microfoam loomed before them — a melange Sword of Damocles, ready to fall. 17 A tsunami arrived: ube, black sesame, matcha, Keurig, Nestlé, and venture capital buyouts. 18 In short: the dream ended in a whiskey-barrel-aged, anaerobic-honey-process nightmare. 19 Hear ye the cries of free-range oat milk, and the weeping of the coffee cherries drowned in heirloom hibiscus syrup. 20 Twas but another French-roast Icarus, falling, and failing us all.
Chapter Four: The Fourth Wave
1 And yet there was hope.
2 With a phoenixian aura sprang forth a forward-leaning movement, built on the foundations of three generations before it — a Fourth Wave of purist V60 techniques, stirred together with a unique opportunity to rebuild our lost sense of community. 3 A few minutes of authentic connection is all that is required. 4 A space to step away from psychologically destructive apps built to know us better than we know ourselves.
5 Sayeth the Angels of Caffeination and Civilizations long gone but not forgotten:
The Ordinances of the Fourth Wave
6 Said coffee shall be free. 7 Servith one bag, and one bag only, of quality beans — no more, no less. 8 The coffee shall be black in nature, and only black, for additives dilute this ambrosia and muddy the palate. 9 When said bag has depleted, no more coffee shall flowith. 10 Thou cups shall be of ceramic in nature, and may be taken home by the patron. 11 Thine water shall be distilled, and correct proportions of minerality added unto it, for water is holy. 12 Store ye water in glass jugs of soda-lime compounds, as the microplastic devil has no dwelling here. 13 Ye shall use quality brewing gear. 14 A V60 shall be your brewer. 15 Thine grinder shall be of hand, for a connection to the Bean is essential. 16 Techniques gleaned from the archangel James Hoffmann will be used. 17 Ye shall produce said elixir powered by an electric carriage, so no damage shall be done to Gaia. 18 Children shall enjoyeth a chosen healthy beverage. 19 For those averse to our glorious bean (may it be grown with reverence), we shall channel Jean-Luc Picard: tea, Earl Grey, hot. 20 Ban ye monetary exchanges, for this new community shall be based first and foremost on generosity and friendship. 21 Ye shall clean the land of refuse and return it to a natural state. 22 No services or products produced by a billionaire shall be used, nor those that monetize personal information. 23 Ban ye the dreaded, eternal, and toxic to-go vessel. 24 Media of Social may be used by the founder, but only to announce a time and location. 25 None shall be “followed,” for only the true believers will find their way. 26 A presence on the series of Tubes shall display these words for all to read. 27 Personal mugs shall be verboten. 28 The faithful may, if they so choose, donate one and only one ceramic mug, and it must be used by others. 29 Said mug shall be accepted, but only if ridiculous in nature and the tribe agrees it is good. 30 Thou shalt live it, not record it.
31 And so it was declared:
32 We will take the time to appreciate the effort it takes to grow, harvest, and prepare a simple beverage. 33 We will give reverence and honor a contemporary daily ritual, prepared by the modern-day shaman — the coffee nerd. 34 And so we shall gather. 35 Randomly. 36 And we shall converse, play, laugh, and give gratitude regardless of age. 37 We will clean up the trash bits nobody else will, and rematriate what was, for too long, simply observed in passing and never touched. 38 We will no longer accept what has become normal, when we know, somewhere in us, that the status quo is not right. 39 We will find each other, and build our own tribes.
40 Indeed, a Fourth Wave is rising — helping us devolve back to our roots. 41 A chance to reinvigorate, and carry forth good vibes, to our homes and our greater community.
42 We leave behind three waves of patriarchal, transactional extraction, and begin to rebuild — cup, by fucking, cup.
43 We will move forth together. 44 The Forth Wave has begun!